TABLE OF CUNTENTS

If you are looking for Manuel’s story, you can find it here:

MANUEL TELLS THE STORY BEHIND THE OOPS FIASCO

COVER

If you are looking for my little OnlineGrinds.ie story, here is the table of cuntents:

ONLINEGRINDS.IE – MY SIDE OF THE STORY – CUNTENTS

dak_44972 A-L

Preface

Chapter 1: Brief introduction and a note to solicitors

Chapter 2: How it all began – January 2011

Chapter 3: Our beautiful website

Chapter 4: Money Money Money, R.O.T. and Studio

Chapter 5: Big Launch and Source Code – The source of all evil

Chapter 6: The Daily Grind

Chapter 7: Burn Baby Burn, More Money More Money More Money, €10k Loan

Chapter 8: Press Coverage and A Love Letter from Arthur’s Cock

Chapter 9: Tits & Ass, “I QUIT” says BS, Even More Money, Even More Money, Even More Money

Chapter 10: New Ideas and a Possible Deal with UPC

Chapter 11: Back to Basics

Chapter 12: Learnology – Say Goodbye to EGGS

Chapter 13: BS gets mad jeal of my new biz

Chapter 14: Let’s Get Dirty

Chapter 15: I Accept, We Don’t and The Stool Pigeon

Chapter 16: OOPS and Buy Me Out Oh Baby Buy Me Out

Chapter 17: This Means War, Ignore The War

Chapter 18: Bye Bye Learnology and The Jack & Jill Lollipop Story

Chapter 19: 3K Any Good To Ya and EGM – Abrakedabra and Paul Is Gone

Chapter 20: Give Me The Assets or You’re Fucking Dead and The Hackers Attack

Breaking News

Chapter 21: From €10 per grind to €75 per grind and Bye Bye OnlineGrinds.ie

Chapter 22: Lessons Learnt, Why The Fuck Did I Write This Blog and What’s Next For Paulie Waulie

Chapter 22: Lessons Learnt, Why The Fuck Did I Write This Blog and What’s Next For Paulie Waulie

Before we take flight on our very final chapter, I have a little song you might like to hear. My advice is to press play on the video, and let the song play as you read through the chapter. I’m sure the song will end before you finish reading; it’s only 12 minutes long, after all.

Lessons Learnt

Despite all the bullshit I had to put up with, I did enjoy starting OnlineGrinds.ie and working on the project for nearly 3 years, even if I never received a cent payment. However, if I was to do it all again, my approach would be somewhat different, to say the least. If I had a few words of advice for any entrepreneur starting up their own business, it would be the following:

Team

If you are going to take on a team on an equity share basis, research all team members well before you take anybody on. Use a fine tooth comb during this process. Don’t rush into things. Don’t take on a web developer ‘because you know him’. Take a look at projects they have worked on before, check the number of fans they have on social media sites etc. If you see that the large majority of their work falls into the vintage website category, you can assume that this project will follow suit. If the vintage style of website isn’t something you are too keen on, keep looking.

If they say they will develop and design a website from scratch, with all the capability of broadcasting live and interactive online grinds, this does not mean they should simply purchase third party plugins and insert them into their very basic site structure. That’s cheating. All the code should be indigenous. Otherwise the company will have very little IP, which means in the event of sale, it will have very little value. Besides, a blind ape with no arms could develop a website if it was simply based on third party plugins and no indigenous code, and you wouldn’t have to give him any equity at all.

A friend of mine said to me yesterday, “I’m sure it must kill you to wonder how OLG might have taken off with the right team”. She is dead right (thanks again T.).

Power

Never yield too much power. Always retain more control than anybody else. Otherwise they’ll walk all over you like a race horse on a fallen jockey. Never give away more than 49% equity. Always retain 51% for your good self. More power to you.

Don’t Take Bullshit

If your tech partner decides to drop a bomb 2 days before your official launch, stating that the majority of the source code of the site belongs to HIS Company, not your joint company, and that there is no value in the site he was commissioned to develop, tell him to fuck off. Threaten to pull the plug on the project if he doesn’t cop the fuck on. Don’t let your pride stand in the way of bullshit like this. It’s infinitely better to delay your launch, and find a proper developer, than to launch with a cunt like this. In the long run you will be far better off.

If your tech partner starts acting like a contractor, rather than an owner, get rid of him. He is a liability to the company. There is something wrong when your tech partner, who has the same equity stake as you, starts putting time limits on his work output, and spends more time writing emails about how much work he won’t do, rather than actually doing any work on the project itself. He needs to go. Simple as.

For some reason I envisaged BS to be a hoody-wearing, idea-generating, Mark Zuckerberg type who would rock in to me in the office at 7am saying “Paul I was up till 3am working on this new page, I’ve had this awesome new idea”. But no, BS didn’t come up with 1 idea for OnlineGrinds.ie. That was up to the rest of the team. And whenever we brought up an idea, and asked him to implement it, he would reply with 2 words, “Phase 2”.

I firmly believe (and I could be very wrong) that Sean often wonders if I was the right person to go, and that maybe it should have been BS who was ousted. I guess I will never know the answer to that question.

Consider What You Say To Others

If you receive love letters from Arthur’s Cock and Everyone Shites, choose wisely who you share them with. One of my biggest regrets is showing MBB AKA CUNT the second love letter from Everyone Shites. Who’s to say that Learnology wouldn’t still be still going, if I had kept the letter to myself.

Dwarves

Always employ a group of dwarves, they are indispensable.

Cash

If you notice that the amount of cash coming in to the business represents a mere fifth of the amount going out (a ratio of 1:4), take a step back and question your business model. Call a halt to the dwarves; tell them to take a seat and have some tea and cakes, or a round of Jägerbombs and a few lines (whatever they’re into). You need to seriously review what you are doing.

Office

They say that it’s good to locate your desk near a window so that you can take momentary breaks from the computer screen and give your eyes a rest by looking out at the beautiful views in front of you. This principle works particularly well when you have an art workshop across the road with life drawing classes every evening. I wouldn’t recommend locating anywhere else.

Law and Lawyers

Read up on company law. Know your rights. Always be able to distinguish a real threat from a shot across the bow. My rule of thumb: if a love letter is signed with the company name, rather than an individual lawyer’s name, it’s an idle threat.

Be able to differentiate company lawyers from litigators (Daniel O’Donnell vs. Vince Vaughan). This tacit knowledge could save your life, one day.

Why The Fuck Did I Write This Blog?

There are a number of reasons why I decided to write my story:

(a) So many people ask me how OnlineGrinds.ie is going. To spare these people the 3 hour explanation that I usually have to give them (and to spare me the 3 hours each time someone asks), I wrote this blog. Now I can simply point them in the direction of www.paulstenson.com and, if they care enough, they can read it. If they don’t care, they can pretend to read it (and slyly have RedTube open in another window).

 (b) To vent my frustration. I am sure you can appreciate that my mental health was pushed to its outer extremities while I was working with BS (note that the verb ‘working’ applies to me, rather than BS). This blog provided an outlet for me to vent my anger and extinguish the fire that has built up inside over the past 3 years. As I said in one chapter, it was far better than any form of conventional therapy.

(c) To try my luck at writing. Writing is something I have always wanted to try, and I actually fucking enjoyed it. It was almost (quite literally) a sexual experience at certain points. Most of the time, I had no preconception of what to write and it simply came to me as I was typing (as it is now).

I did try to get an editor or ten to glance over my work. Most editors took one look at the story and turned it down immediately on the basis that the content was far too risqué. One editor came back saying that she would have no issue working with me, as long as I toned it down slightly. This didn’t happen.

I am much happier to be able to tell my story (vitriolic as it may be) i.e. the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me dog (I’m an atheist), even at the expense of one or two grammatical errors and/or misspellings, than have an editor tone down my words.

Many thanks again to all my friends and family who were worried about me. I couldn’t count on 3 hands the number of people who asked me “are you sure you won’t get into legal hot water with this blog Paul?” to which I generally replied “oh I sincerely hope I do”.

(d) To see how many solicitor’s letters I could get. To date I haven’t received any SL’s which is a little disheartening, if I’m honest. I tried my best to make life easy for the solicitors; I even put the letters (SL) around the blog for their convenience. But alas, no letters at all. I am living in the hope that maybe they are waiting for me to publish my final chapter and then they can send one big letter containing all the offences throughout the blog, as opposed to hundreds of letters each containing one offence. This is not ideally how I would have liked it, but I guess it will have to do.

Please solicitors, I am pleading with you at this stage. Please please please send me at least one letter. You can ignore the instructions I gave you in Chapter 1 and use whatever kind of language you want. I promise I won’t give out. Pretty pretty please???

(e) Legal representation. Believe it or not, I have already received a number of offers of legal representation from blog readers. Having read the blog, they said that I may well have a case against Sean & Co., and that they would be willing to consider representing me on a no foal, no fee basis. My initial reaction to them was that of ‘meh’, but then when I thought about the suit-buying opportunity this would present, my opinion changed completely. I’m a little conflicted now however; if I did go to court and had to breathe the same air as BS in the courtroom, I think I might be traumatised for life. So, let’s just say ‘the jury is out’ on this option.

(f) Investment. One particular man who read the blog wants to have coffee with me about potentially getting Learnology back up and running. He said it “was too much of a great brand to let go”. While seeking investment funds was never an intention of writing the blog, I am going to meet him; for the craic, if nothing else (hi A. if you are reading this!). While this is not at the top of my priority list, it is exceedingly more probable than option (e).

(g) To draw a line under the nightmare that has been the last 3 years. The main objective of writing this blog was to put an end to the horror that was OnlineGrinds.ie. The lads have the company now, and as a matter of fact, I wish them well (even BS). I am not sure what their intentions are, and whether the cancellation of the May revision courses was an admission by Sean & Co. that “this is the end, beautiful friends, the end”. I guess we won’t know until their “full launch next Sept”, if it ever happens.

With the right changes, the company has potential to do well. Ashfield teachers are without a shadow of a doubt the best in the country, and the picture we have painted of OnlineGrinds.ie in the media means it is already a recognised brand (again, good enough to do a deal with Ashfield). If the lads can get the business right by creating a freemium model and tidying up things in the tech department, they could actually do very well for themselves.

They may even still have a chance of getting in there before Alison.com, as Alison are only running free maths grinds at the moment. If OnlineGrinds.ie can roll out all subjects, for free, this September, they may beat Alison to the mark, and have a chance of success.

What’s Next For Paulie Waulie

While I lost both OnlineGrinds.ie and Learnology, this doesn’t mean that I am exiting the grinds industry altogether. Despite the fact that the entire industry is worth only €40m per annum (a very limited pot) I do want to keep one egg in this basket. But I have no intention of devoting 100% of my time to a space where the maximum I could potentially make per year is €40m. You might think I am joking, I’m actually not.

Any website where there is a lot of human involvement upfront (like OnlineGrinds.ie) is costly, as you have to pay these humans. The only way you will make money on a website in the grinds industry (or any industry) is if the website generates passive income. Look at the likes of Adverts.ie, Boards.ie, Daft,ie (pretty much any of the Fallon Bros sites); these are all passive income generators. You don’t have gob shites acting the clown on camera, and being paid €110 per hour to do so, while you have 2 viewers watching them, each paying €10. Look at the likes of Cartell.ie or TripAdvisor.com. These are user generated content, database-driven websites, again with little if not no front-line labour. Again, more classic examples of passive income generators. This is where the money is at folks.

To that end, my next grinds related venture requires little or no front-line labour. It’s called GrindsAdvisor.ie and it’s launching in September. For fear of boring you, here is a quick low down on the new biz.

At the moment, if a student wants to do grinds, there is no independent website that reviews and advises on the grinds options available in their area. Students and parents have to do all the research themselves, which usually (and solely) involves checking out the individual grind provider websites. The mummy and student visit a grind school website where the school blows their own trumpet until the cows come home, saying how amazingly, awesomely, fantastically, outstanding they are. The mummy gives her credit card details and pays for a term of grinds, unaware as to the quality of teachers on offer and whether the exorbitant price being paid actually represents value for money, or not. Ditto for online grinds websites and, to some extent, one to one grinds.

Grindsadvisor.ie is a user generated content site (a bit like Tripadvisor; similar model) that will provide reviews and advice on the grinds options available to secondary students across Ireland in terms of price, teacher quality and convenience. It’s an independent advice platform for students and parents to voice their opinions, concerns and advice on grinds providers, so that students are well informed before they fork out anything between €2,000 and €4,000, which is the average amount a parent will pay on grinds in the exam year (Student Enrichment Services Survey, 2010).

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In case the Kearns family from the Institute of Education and Sean & Co. from OnlineGrinds.ie (for example) are pooing their pants at the thought of Paul Stenson slating them on his new website. Please don’t worry guys. Paul won’t be doing any slating whatsoever; the students and parents will. However, if you get your act together guys i.e. stop ripping people off IOE, and get your business model right OLG, you won’t give them any reason to slate you; you may even give them reason to praise you. We know how damaging the likes of Patrick’s Tweets in yesterday’s chapter can be for your business. Don’t give students like Patrick any bait in the first place, and all will be well.

GrindsAdvisor.ie aside for a minute, in any of my future ventures, I am going to exercise extreme care and caution in relation to who I work with. The BS saga has certainly taught me a lesson I will never forget. I am increasingly thinking about working purely with animals going forward. I much prefer animals to humans. Certainly on my list of potential projects for the future is a 5 star hotel for pets. The animals will be treated like royalty; they will have ensuite bedrooms with plasma screens showing pet related movies (not Marley and me), and they will get their meals delivered by room service; sushi for cats, sirloin steak for dogs. If you are an investor and would like a slice of this pie, I am taking inquiries now.

That’s All Folks

That’s all folks. Thanks for reading my blog. Hope you enjoyed it. Sorry again if some of the language seemed crude, and some of the themes seemed unsophisticated. But that’s me, and I make no apologies for being me.

If you want to contact me for any reason, maybe you are a lawyer who wants to represent me, or an investor who wants to make a massive return, you can get me at my email:

p_stenson@hotmail.com

Before I go, I promised you I would revisit the cunt poll to see who has been the biggest cunt in this blog. Here are the updated results as of today 08/07/2014:

updatedcuntpoll

 

As you can see, BS is improving nicely, he has gone from 62.5% to 66%. Both MBB AKA CUNT and Sean are also gaining ground.

Rest assured that the poll will remain open for the foreseeable future. As long as the blog is live, the poll will be live. Also, if there is any movement on the SL front, or any more kind gestures from BS (like yesterday), I will make a point of sharing them here on the blog, so that you are kept in the loop. Just because you won’t have daily chapter updates, doesn’t mean the blog will wither on the vine.

Over and out.

P.

Chapter 21: From €10 per grind to €75 per grind and Bye Bye OnlineGrinds.ie

Before we embark on the penultimate chapter, may I advise that we had some breaking news this afternoon. If you didn’t get this news, you can read it here.

From €10 per grind to €75 per grind

In reply to my ‘heads up’ email to Sean in which I warned him about the Larry O’Driscoll (LOD) scumbag, he sent me an email asking me to make the assets available immediately, stating that LOD had his authorisation to collect them. I advised Sean that I would not be handing over the assets under any circumstances, as the transfer of the business of OnlineGrinds.ie to his company was illegal. He replied saying that if I didn’t hand over the assets, he would purchase new equipment and make me pay the replacement costs. Yet another idle threat. Sean had cried wolf once or twice too many for me to believe him this time.

Whether it happened with the assets I had, or the new ones Sean would purchase, Sean & Co. were adamant to truck on with Ashfield, less little Paulie Waulie. A different shareholding structure was now in place. I am unsure how Ashfield College fitted into this new structure, but I am sure of one thing; my company, in fact, my two companies, were gone. I didn’t receive a cent payment, neither for founding the company, nor for all the hard work I had put in over the past 3 years to bring the company to the position it was in. A position good enough to do a deal with Ashfield College.

Such was the impact OnlineGrinds.ie had on the grinds industry, and on the media in general. Ashfield was one of the most well-known traditional grind schools in Ireland. It was voted the best grind school in the country last year. I have first hand experience of how good it is, as I went to Ashfield myself to repeat my Leaving Cert. Notwithstanding the fact that I got 5 points less second time round (290 in Ashfield 1999, 295 in Mary’s 1998), I still got my second honour which got me into the Shannon College of Hotel Management. For this, Ashfield, I am eternally grateful.

ashfieldaward
An accolade received by Ashfield in 2013

In many ways I feel sorry for Ashfield for getting involved with Sean & Co. Little did they know what they were getting themselves into. I guess the picture we (Aine and I) painted of OnlineGrinds.ie in the media over the past few years would have made them believe that it had real potential to succeed. I am sure they assumed (again given the media coverage) that our tech team was up to it, and that our website was state of the art. They probably even bought into the vintage website look.

ashfield_campus2

Sean & Co. would have backed up this confidence during their talks with the college. I have no doubt that they told Ashfield that the live grinds worked really well, that there were never any tech issues, and that online grinds is a great alternative to traditional grinds. And why would they say anything else? Maybe if they had actually been present for a live broadcast from start to finish, they might have realised otherwise.

A number of weeks went by and there was no movement on the OnlineGrinds.ie site, not even a mention of live grinds. As you can imagine, I kept a very keen eye on its progress. Suddenly, just before Easter, there was an announcement that they would be running Easter Revision Courses. But wait for it, the price would be €75 per subject. Yes, you read correctly, seventy fucking five. This would be a justifiable price to pay if Karla was doing the Biology grinds, but seeing as she was a hoax, this was a laughable price to pay.

One of my objectives of starting OnlineGrinds.ie was to provide a low cost alternative to traditional grinds. Making grinds more accessible for those currently doing them (Chloe and Greg) and more affordable for those who could never afford them in the first place (Stacey and Jason). We were going to charge a maximum of €10 per live class, where you could ask the teacher questions and download and print their excellent quality notes. Opting for a monthly subscription would make the live classes even better value. This model obviously didn’t bear fruit, but it did result in one hell of a bonfire in Ballymun.

As we lost rather than made money with this model, my thinking changed throughout the course of the project. We could not charge for grinds if there were so many tech issues. The only way forward for OnlineGrinds.ie was to provide the grinds for free, and to make money with advertising. But of course when I proposed the idea of a freemium model to the guys, it was duly ignored and the focus was shifted on my involvement with Learnology, rather than on the progression of OnlineGrinds.ie. Coincidentally, a number of months later, an education giant called Alison.com entered the market doing online grinds for free. If only they had listened to me and not acted the prick, says you. I wonder who would win a web development contest between the might of Alison.com vs. the ability of BS? Hmmmmmm. Rhetorical question if there ever was one.

Despite the fact that our €10 model didn’t work, and that I had proposed going down the freemium route, they made the courses €75 per subject. I know I am a fuckin eejit and all, so my opinion probably doesn’t count, but can you see any logic at all in this price? €75 would be eminently acceptable if Karla and her boyfriend were going to demonstrate the ‘ins and outs’ of the human reproductive system on camera, but it would represent very bad value for money if the actual, real-life, questionably average looking Biology teacher was simply going to knock one out (a class that is) on her own.

So, having learnt of the exorbitant Easter Revision courses, I kept a daily, close eye on the number of registrations on the site. You could see this number very easily. Every time a new member joined the site, this person would automatically become a member of the forum, and you could see the number of forum members (rise or fall) at the bottom of the page. Despite the amount of money the lads (the dwarves) seemed to be putting into radio ad campaigns on the likes of 4FM (fucking into the bonfire), registration numbers grew in single figures on a daily basis. Nothing had changed at all.

regnumbers
Forum page showing number of forum members (student registrations) on site

The Easter revision courses were going to be six hours long (yes, I said six). Doing one hour long classes presented enough technical challenges for me to have no finger nails remaining, never mind six hour classes. But that’s probably because I am not a techie and was left to fend for myself in the tech department during every broadcast we did. I often wondered would BS spend any time in the studio now that they were doing six hour courses with Ashfield. A pig just flew over my head.

The six hour Easter revision courses kicked off and while the messages on their Facebook page were full of hope, the student registration numbers were full of despair. I thought to myself: ‘these guys are never going to learn’.

eastercourses

Easter came and went and I had no idea how the courses went for the guys. There was a small part of me actually wishing them well. That is until mental images of BS came into my mind. Whenever that happened I would wish them a slow and painful death. The thing is that the teachers delivering these courses were probably some of the best in the country. This had the potential to really work. They needed to get the business model right (freemium) and get BS the hell out of there. No point in having the best teachers in the country if BS was in charge of IT. It’s just not right. It’s like having a Ferrari but only being able to drive it down a boreen (not sure if that’s spelled correctly; I mean a tiny country road with grass in the centre and cow shit everywhere).

The Easter Revision courses ended and there was little activity on the website front for weeks. The Easter Revision wording remained on the homepage for weeks, then months. Indeed, it’s still there, and it’s now July. The days are getting shorter; it will soon be Christmas, and the wording remains. I’d say at this stage he’s leaving it there until next Easter, to save him the work of typing the words ‘Easter’ and ‘Revision’ all over again. There’s a multitude of countries that could be explored in the time it would take him to do this.

Bye Bye OnlineGrinds.ie

Sometime in early May there was a rather timid and meek announcement on the OnlineGrinds.ie Facebook page about Leaving and Junior Cert final revision courses. I don’t think the announcement on Facebook got any likes or shares, not even by the OnlineGrinds.ie staff themselves. The website text about the course was nearly as long as this blog. It mentioned how the maths classes would be free to all (HURRAY, SENSE AT LAST!) and that the rest of the courses would only be €30 each. A friend of mine summed it up beautifully in one sentence “they clearly didn’t make a penny over Easter”.

notification of last minute

I have never seen website wording as apologetic as I did on the homepage in relation to the final revision courses. It was as if OnlineGrinds.ie were indebted to the students in some strange way. The wording was pretty desperate. It went a bit like “if you are not sure that this will help you, try it for free” whereas it should have read “to see why this is the most awesome alternative to traditional grinds, we are giving you a free sneaky peak”. But then again, all the content was coming from BS, and he is no more a marketer than he is a web developer (SL).

The page told you what you’d get if you paid €30. You’d get so much of this, so much of that and so much of the other “for ONLY €30 – it’s a STEAL!” If this didn’t make you wonder “what’s wrong with this service that they have to give away everything so cheaply?” I don’t know what would.

Despite the fact that the lads were virtually paying the students to register on the site, the uptake didn’t seem significant. Single figures increases on a daily basis.

Low on behold on the 24th May 2014, two days before the course was due to start, and a week before the Leaving and Junior Cert exams began, the following announcement was made on their Facebook page:

circumstancesbeyondcontrol

Let’s dissect this for a minute. Let’s pretend you’re a Leaving Cert student, doing your Leaving Cert this year. The fact that there is now more time to ‘roll our some server side updates’ MEANS NOTHING to you. Not only because you haven’t a fucking clue what this means, but also because you are doing your Leaving Cert THIS YEAR, not fucking next year.

If you read into things as deeply as I do (I am the world’s worst for that), would you not wonder why they hadn’t said anything about what was going to happen to students who had already paid? Something along the lines of “we will make full refunds to all students who have already signed up for this course”. Could it be because not one person had actually paid?

The guys cancelled the revision course for one of two reasons, both as plausible as each other: (a) nobody at all signed up for the course or (b) the tech issues were too great to warrant running the courses.

Either way, no final revision for students. Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

One student vented his frustration on Twitter:

twitter

It looked like BS was telling the truth when he said he was very busy all year. So busy that he forgot to change the Twitter wallpaper on the left, which was out of date……….by 16 months.


Next Chapter – Chapter 22: Lessons Learnt, Why The Fuck Did I Write This Blog and What’s Next For Paulie Waulie

Chapter 20: Give Me The Assets or You’re Fucking Dead and The Hackers Attack

Give Me The Assets or You’re Fucking Dead

The assets of the business were both tangible and intangible. The tangible assets included computer, camera, sound and lighting equipment (pretty much anything needed to broadcast live grinds). The intangible assets consisted mostly of login details and passwords for various social media and email accounts. I was not going to part with either.

When the dwarves fucked our final barrel of cash into the bonfire, we were no longer able to pay our office and studio rent, so we (I) had to move out. Thank you again to my friend Barry (who had nothing to do with OnlineGrinds.ie) for helping me move the stuff.

In the absence of somewhere more suitable to keep all the equipment, I kept it in my home in Ballsbridge. This was a very privileged location for the equipment, as there was a Doberman guarding it 24/7.

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The Doberman I commissioned to guard the OnlineGrinds.ie assets. Here he is protecting the perspex sign that once hung on the office wall.

Sean was under pressure to get the assets to BS before he returned back to the UK. He had come over especially for the EGM, and was leaving a day or two later. After several attempts to ring me to arrange a pick up point and time (which I regretfully wasn’t able to answer as I was too busy perming my hair), he ended up calling out to my home one evening unannounced. When he didn’t find me there (I think I was at my flower arranging class), he left a note under my door saying that he would call back later.

In many ways I felt sorry for Sean. He had to do all the dirty work. BS would never have called around to me to get the assets. He wouldn’t have been able to face me. He is probably right though. I don’t think I would have been able to resist the urge to wrap a concrete block around his Florida white smile, if he ever did.

As it happened, I was moving out of my place in Wellington Place at the time in search of greener pastures with larger running space for my pooch. The assets, both tangible and intangible, came with me.

As I was leaving work one day, I received a phone call from a mobile number. Unlike blocked numbers, I tend to answer unknown numbers, particularly mobile numbers. I have a very strict policy with blocked numbers; if you don’t want to identify yourself, I don’t want to answer. Anyway, on the other end was a gentleman by the name of Larry O’Driscoll (LOD). A transcript of the conversation can be found below. If would prefer to hear me act it out, click below:

 

Paul: Hello

LOD: Hello is that Paul Stenson

Paul: It sure is! Who is this?

LOD: My name is Larry O’Driscoll. I believe you have some assets belonging to Moreland Investments Ltd.?

Paul: What company are you calling from? You are ringing me from a mobile phone, you know that?

LOD: As I said my name is Larry O’Driscoll. I collect business assets on behalf of my clients.

Paul: Well I am sorry but the assets I have belong to my company, not Moreland Investments. I am still dealing with Sean K*****y in relation to this.

LOD: What is the nature of your dealings with Sean K*****y?

Paul: Take care mate.

Asking me what was the nature of my dealings with Sean? Is he for real? I would have actually kept speaking to this man, but getting personal like that? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Needless to say I wrote Sean an email warning him about this dude. See below:

Beware
Email I sent Sean warning him about dodgy Larry

As I had moved out of my house, I guess I had escaped from LOD. I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that he probably called around to my ex-home to try to physically strip me of the assets, using extreme force. I’d say he would have been armed with either a crowbar or a baseball bat. Something blunt. A sharp object wouldn’t have been his style. That would have been far too easy. LOD needed a challenge when he was faced with the task of beating the shit out of me.

LOD seemed like the roughest of the rough. I’d say he was associated with Martin Cahill in some way. Certainly from the same school, probably from the same family. I must say I write about him with a large degree of trepidation. You’d think I might be scared about posting love letters from Arthur’s Cock and Everyone Shites? Not a chance. But writing about LOD in my blog; a whole different story altogether. In fact, there are droplets of wee wee coming out of my willy intermittently as I write this section.

I am firmly of the opinion that LOD will try to murder me when he reads this. If you are reading this LOD, please be advised that I have a three year old Doberman who is currently undergoing both defence AND attack training. In addition (and far more impressive in my mind), I hold a Purple belt in Kenpo Karate. Approach me at your peril, with extreme caution.

The Hackers Attack

One morning after I woke up from a nightmare in which I was being kneecapped by LOD, I was eating my breakfast whilst creeping on somebody’s pics on Facebook (as you do). What I saw in my news feed made me nearly choke on the piece of wholemeal toast I was masticating. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Take a look:

karla
A Facebook post introducing one of OnlineGrinds.ie’s new teachers
photo (22)
The new OnlineGrinds.ie Facebook cover photo and a post with their complaints policy

It looked like my ex partners had completely changed their approach to delivering grinds. They had introduced topless teachers.

I admit, this was not something I had thought of when I was coming up with ideas for the company. So I thought “fair fucks to them, they may have a chance now”. Even if BS was still at the helm, this kind of semen change……I mean……sea change, would certainly ensure that their business would improve, if not thrive, forevermore. However, when I went over to the actual website to see the new line up of big boobed beauties in action, they were nowhere to be seen. The staff-room was still full of boring, non-descript, lacklustre, glasses-wearing, check shirt sporting, teachers from Ashfield College. No tits. No cocks. No action. No point.

It turned out that someone had hacked into the Facebook account and was bringing the expression ‘taking the piss’ to a whole new level. I wanted to make passionate love to this person, let alone shake their hand. To this day I don’t know who the hacker is. If you are reading this, hacker, please make yourself known to me. I would like to buy you an abundance of pints.

Some time later, I was on the OnlineGrinds.ie website to see how out of date it was. When I say out of date, I am not referring to the general design of the site; we all know that BS was going for the vintage look here (which he pulled off very well). I am talking about the site content itself. I was curious to see whether BS was spending any more time on the project now than he did when I was there. Unfortunately I didn’t manage to find any evidence of this. Indeed, it doesn’t look like he has worked on OnlineGrinds.ie at all since Easter. If you look at the site today, the 6th of July 2014, you will still see the words ‘New’ and ‘Easter’ on the homepage. Brilliant first impression for first time visitors to OnlineGrinds.ie.

website today
Screenshot of website today

Anyway, while I was on the site, I took a trip down memory lane and clicked into the Student Ambassador Program (SAP) page. The SAP was a scheme I set up where students would receive cash for spreading the word about our company. As a Irish Indo journo once said, we were “injecting entrepreneurship into the secondary school system with this innovative scheme”.

We had a video embedded on the SAP page with yours truly explaining how the program worked. For reasons of nostalgia (as opposed to vanity), I clicked in to watched this video that we had recorded nearly 2 years prior. But when the video started playing, a strange empty box appeared in the centre of the screen. I hovered over the box and up popped a very strange, but extremely funny, message. Obviously the hacker had taken control of the YouTube account too. Take a look for yourselves (hover over the box in the centre of the screen – note: this only works on a desktop, you will not see the funny message on a smartphone):

The chances are that this video could have been live on the OnlineGrinds.ie site for weeks if not months, without anybody noticing it. It’s no longer there, however. So I guess a student probably noticed it in the end, in which case it was brought to the attention of BS (who was probably lounging in a hammock in Koh Samui at the time), and it was removed from the page 16 days later. BS wouldn’t have been sharp enough to see something like this himself.


Next Chapter – Breaking News

Chapter 19: 3K Any Good To Ya and EGM – Abrakedabra and Paul Is Gone

Results of Cunt Contest

As promised, I am including the results of yesterday’s Cunt Poll in today’s chapter. My sincere thanks to all 32 of you who have voted in the past 24 hours. If you are reading this and didn’t vote at the end of the last chapter, please take a second to go back to cast your vote. The poll will remain open and we will revisit the results at the end of the blog. Remember the poll is set up in such a way that only 1 vote counts per IP address. As much as you’d love to give BS hundreds and thousands of votes, sadly only 1 vote will count per person.

results

With an astonishing 62% of the votes, BS wins hands down as the biggest cunt in the blog. He received 20 votes. And no, these weren’t all from me. As I said, the poll only allowed 1 vote per person. If I was allowed to vote for BS more than once, his number of votes would have been in 7 figures, at least.

In second place, coming in with a not too shabby 25%, is MBB AKA CUNT. He received 8 votes. This is probably due to the information I ‘elected’ to release about him in yesterday’s episode.

Finally, with 13%, Sean wins the bronze medal. This was the most interesting result for me. There are some of you (4 people) who actually believe that Sean was a bigger cunt than BS and MBB AKA CUNT. I guess some of you think that Sean is a bit like a fart, in that sometimes the silent ones are the most deadly.

I would like to take this opportunity to express my sincere thanks to my special friend Sam who has volunteered to bake a cunt cake for BS as a prize for winning the cunt contest. Once the cake is baked and iced I will take a photo and upload it to the blog before we have it couriered over to BS’s apartment. I would also like to congratulate BS on winning this coveted prize and for being the biggest cunt in this blog, and possibly of all time.

Incidentally, somebody viewed the blog yesterday from the Seychelles. If this is you, can you please identify yourself by commenting in the comment box below. Otherwise I will have to assume that BS is off sunning himself (again).

viewsbycountry

Now, back to the blog.

3K Any Good To Ya?

Weeks pass and still no sign of the legal action I was ‘promised’ in my last paper airplane. I was unsure what was happening. Would I or wouldn’t I have an exciting day in town shopping for a new suit, or would it be business as usual.

On the 21st January 2014, over a month after receiving the Everyone Shites love letter part deux, I received this email from Sean:

loannote
Sean’s email regarding Loan Note. Note the presence of the word ‘assets’ and the absence of the word ‘business’.

So, what the hell did this mean? Sean was obviously willing to give me something, albeit a derisory amount. Otherwise he was going to transfer the assets of OnlineGrinds.ie to his company. Why was this? To what use could these assets be put in his company? The rest of the business; website, goodwill, IP, customer database etc. would still remain the property of Stenson Institute (trading as OnlineGrinds.ie). Why would he separate them? What would he do with the camera and broadcasting equipment ? Was he in cahoots with the dwarves to set up the first dwarf porn website in history? That would be a first, I suppose. Dwarf porn, hmmmmmm. I am becoming sexually aroused even at the thought.

Unsure as to what he was playing at, the insult of offering me €3k overshadowed this question. I replied back saying that I was not prepared to accept this pitiful amount, given the two and a half years work I had put into this company, not to mention the fact that the whole company was my idea in the first place.

EGM – Abrakedabra and Paul Is Gone!

On 27th January 2014, I received the following:

EGMNOTICE

I was confused. Sean & Co. now wanted to transfer the assets AND BUSINESS of OnlineGrinds.ie from Stenson Institute Ltd. to his company Moreland Investments Ltd. But hang on, this is not what he said in his email, nor is it what was outlined in the loan note. He can’t do this? The loan note says his company can have the assets, but it says NOTHING about the business. See relevant section in loan note:

security
Again note the presence of the word ‘assets’ and the absence of the word ‘business’.

If Sean & Co. were able to take the assets and the business from Stenson Institute and bring it over to Moreland Investments, they could simply pick up from where we left off and run OnlineGrinds.ie without me under the new umbrella of Moreland. It would remove me completely from the equation. I know you are thinking now that I was happy to be removed from the equation completely a few months back, but that was while I still had Learnology! Now Learnology was gone (because of Sean & Co.) and this ‘transfer’ would mean OnlineGrinds.ie would also be ‘taken’ from me.

As you can see in the EGM notice, they were proposing that the sale/transfer would be considered an ordinary resolution of the company. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s simply that the resolution could be passed at the EGM by a simple show of hands. So, Sean, BS and Cillian raise their pinkies and hey presto, Paul vanishes.

This worried me a little. But then I decided to take out the Shareholder’s Agreement to see if I could find any protection for me in here. The Shareholder’s Agreement was a load of legal horse manure. Again a document written in Arabic would be easier to understand. But I managed to pick out a section under which I was protected.

Here was my condom:

Protection1

Protection2

I know what you’re thinking and it’s probably along the lines of “What the hell does all that mean?” Well, my understanding is as follows:

In order for the business of the company (never mind the assets, Sean had rightful claim on these) to be sold to Sean’s company, there needed to be approval by the holders of 75% of the issued share capital in the company. As I owned 28.19% of the company, the max they would be able to reach is 71.81% and therefore the sale would not be allowed.

Phew! I was safe! There was no way this could be done.

However, the next day I got another email from Sean with an attachment entitled ‘Termination of the Shareholder’s Agreement’. See below:

term1

term2

 

The lads were really taking the piss here. How the fuck could they casually decide that the Shareholders Agreement be terminated, in a kind of ‘by the way’ type fashion? Surely this needed approval by me too?

As you can see at the end of the letter, they request my consent to transfer the business over to Moreland Investments. They did not have my consent.

Notwithstanding the fact that they didn’t have my consent, the EGM went ahead and both the assets and business of Stenson Institute Ltd. were transferred to Sean’s company, Moreland Investments Ltd. To this day I don’t believe that the Shareholder’s Agreement was legally terminated and therefore believe that the sale of the business of Stenson Institute, with or without my consent, was also illegal.

The fact of the matter is, the lads knew they were not legally entitled to either (a) transfer the business or (b) cancel the Shareholder’s Agreement. I called my solicitor and asked her could they actually do this. She replied by saying: ‘they can try anything Paul, the question is are you prepared to fight them”. By fighting them, she meant seeking an injunction to prevent them from doing this. I asked her how much this would cost, and she said that I wouldn’t have much change out of €15k.

Sean and BS knew that I didn’t have this kind of money to spare. So, fully aware that what they were doing was against the law, and safe in the knowledge that I didn’t have the financial wherewithal to block them, they went ahead and removed me from the company I founded, and carried on with the company, minus yours truly. I had now lost both Learnology and OnlineGrinds.ie.

Note:

Now that they had transferred the assets over to to Moreland Investments (which I admit was legal), they needed to physically get their hands on these assets. But where were they? You guessed right. They were in my gaff.

The tango was a dance I always wanted to learn. Now was a perfect time for me to take up this new hobby.


Next Chapter – Chapter 20: Give Me The Assets or You’re Fucking Dead and The Hackers Attack

Chapter 18: Bye Bye Learnology and The Jack & Jill Lollipop Story

Bye Bye Learnology

Being the incredibly stupid person that I am, I told the boys in Learnology about the ‘oops’ email and the potential joining together of Sean & Co. and Ashfield in holy matrimony. I thought I was doing the right thing by telling them. Despite my being wired to the moon and sometimes (often) a complete fuckin eejit, I’m an honest chap I am. In hindsight, I wish I had kept my gob-shite gob shut.

When I showed MBB the second love letter from Everyone Shites, he became very worried. I was showing it to him against a backdrop of pride, in a kind of “ha ha look what I received!” way. Unfortunately, MBB didn’t receive it with such joviality and rebelliousness. Why are some people so fucking square? We only live once. Life shouldn’t be about negativity and worry. It should be about adventure and excitement. MBB fell into the trap of believing that Sean & Co. could actually have a case against Learnology (I guess intuition isn’t a gift with which we are all blessed). This couldn’t have been further from the truth. There was no possible way that Sean could attach Learnology to any legal action they would take against me, nor was there any way they were going to take any action in the first place.

As you have read before, Sean’s rationale for harping on about their potential pursuit of Learnology profits was a bid to try to get us to ‘let them in’ to the company. No judge would buy into this bullshit if it ever went to court (which it wouldn’t). Later on in this chapter I will use the Jack & Jill Lollipop story to describe just why this case would have never been admitted into the wig and wing collar club.

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A barrister wearing his wig. Imagine how fucking stupid you would feel wearing this

Regrettably, some of us fell for Sean’s bullshit more than others, namely MBB. On Thursday 9th December 2013, MBB wrote me an official email stating that he ‘elected to cease all involvement with Learnology Limited’ on account of ‘Learnology’s unnecessary risk of legal challenge’. I know what you’re thinking; why use the word ‘elected’? Why not just say ‘decided’, for fuck sake. In any case, regardless of his choice of words, what a gullible gob shite. In fact, he was so gullible that I no longer believe he is worthy of the title MBB (Mr Brain Box). I have therefore ‘elected’ to remove this esteemed title, and rename him the cunning, underhand, nasty, tosser (CUNT).

Why did Learnology collapse?

When CUNT ‘elected’ to withdraw from Learnology, he also ‘elected’ to withdraw the total amount of funds he had originally invested back in September. Bear in mind that 3 months had passed since he came on board, and we would have obviously used a portion of these investment funds to cover expenses thus far. But no no, this does not mean that he took back the remaining portion of his funds. For some reason he thought he could take back the full shebang. I often thank my lucky stars that he left when he did, because someone who carries on like this is not the type of person you want to work with on a long time basis. I just wish I hadn’t trusted him as much as I did, and I hadn’t let him be the only partner with access to online banking (who’s gullible now, says you).

Learnology was capitalised with a debt to equity ratio of 1:1, 50% bank debt (from BOI) and 50% investment funds (from CUNT). CUNT’s withdrawal of monies over and above what he was entitled, exposed us to the point that we were like Nigerian nationals in Antarctica, with no igloo or parka. His over withdrawal ate into our bank debt unnecessarily. He had fucked us (and the company) up no end. Luckily however, CUNT had signed a personal guarantee on the bank loan, making him joint and severally liable for that debt. Nevertheless, as we were now only capitalised by debt, no equity, we had to fold the company and wave goodbye to Learnology.

For anyone reading who had a child or relation in Learnology, I apologise. I apologise for the behaviour of CUNT (who robbed us), I apologise for the behaviour of Sean & Co. (who made the idle threat that led to us being robbed). Learnology looked like it was going places; we were the only low cost grind school in Ireland, meaning we had opened the doors to students for whom grinds had never before been an option. Finally, I apologise for my behaviour. I would love to sit hear and write that the whole situation was outside of my control, and that I was not at fault. The truth is I was at fault; I should have never been honest with CUNT about the ‘oops’ email, and I should have never taken on someone like him in the first place.

The Jack & Jill Lollipop Story

The reason why CUNT was wrong to assume that Sean would have taken us to court can easily be explained using my Jack & Jill Lollipop Story:

Jack-and-Jill
Jack and Jill before they decided they wanted to lick a lollipop

Cast (in order of appearance) 

Jack = played by Paul

Jill = played by Sean & Co. (nominated for an Oscar)

Mary = played by CUNT

Mommy & Daddy = played by the High Court Judge

Props (again in order of appearance)

Yellow Lollipop = OnlineGrinds.ie

Red Lollipop = Learnology

One day, Jack and Jill are headed up the hill to fetch a pale of water. On the way to fetch the pale, Jack says to Jill “Hey Jill, will we go and get a lollipop?” Jill replies by saying “sure Jack, I would really like a lollipop right now”. Jack then advises that he has no money to buy said lollipop, so Jill agrees to buy the lollipop, subject to her being able to share it with Jack and benefit from the nutrition and nice taste it provides. Jack consents. They buy a yellow lollipop.

Having licked the top of the yellow lollipop, Jack says to Jill, “hmmmmmm, this lollipop doesn’t taste too good; it’s not really fulfilling our appetite, is it Jill?”. Jill doesn’t know any better, as she hasn’t been actively involved in the licking process. 

Jack says to Jill, “let’s go and get a red lollipop instead, I believe they are much tastier and much more popular among kids”. Jill says she is “happy with this one, maybe if we keep licking it we will come to a tasty bit”. Jack says “no matter how much you lick, it will always taste the same”.

Jill is happy to stay with the yellow lollipop, and Jack gets a new red one. But Jack cannot possibly manage the new, big, red lollipop on his own. He needs help. So he asks Mary to help him.

156493453
Jack with his new red lollipop

When Jill sees how much Jack and Mary are enjoying the red lollipop, and how it has serious potential to fulfill their appetite, Jill wants to have some of it.  

When Jill asks Jack and Mary if she could have some, Jack isn’t entirely against it, as he has always gotten along with Jill. However, Mary doesn’t want Jill to be part of the licking process. 

Jill threatens to tell mommy and daddy and claims that both Jack AND Mary will get in trouble if they don’t let Jill in on the action. But if Jack and Mary let Jill share the red lollipop with them, Jill won’t say a word to mommy and daddy. But what will mommy and daddy think if Jill tells them but then Jack explains that Jill wouldn’t have said a word if she had been allowed in? Would this damage the entire credibility of Jill’s argument? 

Would mommy and daddy tell Jill to stop acting like a spoiled child and ask her why she didn’t accept Jack’s offer in the first place? Whether Jack gets a slap on the wrist or not from mommy and daddy, how could they possibly find Mary to be deserving of a slap?

download
Jill with no red lollipop – the quintessential spoiled child

Despite the fact that mommy and daddy couldn’t touch Mary, she still gets scared shitless and spontaneously ‘elects’ to leave Jack to lick the lollipop alone. Such was the credibility of Jill’s threats (in her eyes). But when Mary leaves, the task of licking the lollipop is virtually impossible for Jack to do on his own, so he has to throw it away. 

I know this lovely little story may seem a tad oversimplified, but the principle of the matter remains the same. There was no way Sean & Co. could go after Learnology, but as CUNT didn’t see this, we lost Learnology.

Thanks Sean & Co. Thanks CUNT. You guys are the best.

Quick Poll  (it takes a nanosecond)

Please answer the following question. Complete anonymity is assured.

 

Results will be announced in tomorrow’s installment.


Next Chapter – Chapter 19: 3K Any Good To Ya and EGM – Abrakedabra and Paul Is Gone

Chapter 16: OOPS and Buy Me Out Oh Baby Buy Me Out

Safety Announcement

Before you embark on the journey that is Chapter 16, may I please draw your attention to some of the safety features on board this blog. To hear the safety announcement, click below. If you are in a public place and don’t want people looking at you wondering what the hell you are listening to, you can read the announcement instead. If you want to do both, you can do that too:

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. You are welcome aboard this Steno Airlines flight today from OnlineGrinds.ie to nothing. In advance of this instalment, can I please ask you to ensure that your seat belts are securely fastened for take-off, and that your seat backs and tray tables are in their fully upright and locked position. We may experience some turbulence in today’s chapter, so in order to ensure that you don’t fall off your chair, we recommend that you keep your seatbelt loosely fastened throughout the entire duration of this instalment.

In the highly likely event of your reading something which may make you want to curse out loud, there are two main hands located on your body, one to the left, and the other to your right. Immediately pull your left hand firmly toward your mouth to stop the flow of cursing. Make sure there is some room between each finger on your hand, and breathe normally. If you are travelling with an infant or small child today, secure your hand first then assist your child with your other hand.

Without further ado Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to wish you a very pleasant read, and we hope to see you again on Steno Airlines at some point in the hopefully not too distant future.

Many thanks,

Goodbye.

OOPS

Giving no more of a shit than I did before, and pretty much for the craic, I asked Sean if he could send me over the option agreement. I wanted to have a quick goo at it and pass it on to my solicitor to get her take on the situation. Efficiently as ever, Sean emailed me over the agreement. He said he would email me the next day with instructions as to where to sign and how to return the document (if I could simply scan and email, or did I have to physically go in to the offices of Everyone Shites where there would be a grand signing ceremony, followed by a champagne and strawberry reception). I told him I would standby and await further instructions.

When I downloaded the document, I was expecting a one pager; the fucking thing was about ten pages long. The document itself made about as much sense to me as the rationale for creating the agreement in the first place. In fact, if the agreement had been written in (shorthand) Mandarin, I would have probably understood it as much (if not more). So, I emailed the document to my unintelligible drivel interpreter (lawyer) and made paper airplanes out of the hard copy I had printed. I had as much intention of signing the document as I had inviting BS over to mine for tea and cakes.

The next day I got my email of instructions from Sean, which he had just been sent from his lawyer. But here’s where it gets incredibly juicy!

oops

Sean was obviously busy and rushed that day. He didn’t send me a personalised email (which he would normally do), he simply forwarded the email his solicitor had sent him outlining the instructions for me. But what Sean didn’t realise was that he wasn’t only forwarding me one email; he was forwarding me a trail of emails regarding the option agreement and the rationale for drawing up such a malevolent and meaningless document in the first place.

seebelow
Sean’s quick message telling me to look at what his solicitor had written below. Sean was obviously busy that day and was unaware of what was further down the page.

I received the email early in the morning, it was before I had my shower and my Nespresso, and my eyes were still half asleep. The ‘hit’ I got from one piece of information in the email trail was as strong as knocking back ten fortissio lungos (the strongest nespresso available), in one go. Take a look at the following extract from one of the many emails in the trail that Sean sent to his solicitor:

final talks
Part of an email from Sean to his solicitor (that I wasn’t supposed to see)

Did one word from the above sentence stand out for you the way it did for me? In fact, to say this word simply stood out and smacked me in the face would be the understatement of the millennium. The word jumped out and head-butted me smack bang in the centre of the nose, with extreme force and ferocity.

It all made sense to me now; this is exactly why they wanted me to sign the agreement. They had started talks long ago (note that Sean says they were in final talks) with Ashfield College, a significant player in the grind school world, and Ashfield needed to know that I was out of the equation before a deal was done. Having me sign the three month agreement would give them this comfort, and if the deal didn’t pan out, the lads could still sue me (and Learnology). I was REALLY going to sign it now.

In all seriousness however, if Sean & Co. were now in final talks with Ashfield, this meant that talks had probably begun many months prior. It was now early November and they still hadn’t accepted my resignation on the 19th October as ‘it didn’t suit them’. So, for all intents and purposes, I was still a director (and obviously a third owner) of the company. Indeed, even if they had accepted my resignation, they had probably been in talks with Ashfield long before I had tendered it.

I had no knowledge of these dealings with Ashfield, let alone being included in them (which was my right as a director and third owner). It’s quite possible that I would have never found out, if Sean hadn’t sent the ‘oops’ email.

Around the time of the option agreement controversy, Sean mentioned that they were in ‘casual talks with a guy who was also called Paul’ about replacing me. He never mentioned anything about being in talks with one of the largest grind schools in Ireland.

This news brought the expression ‘double edged sword’ to a whole new level. If what I had done with Learnology was a sin, the sin they were committing was most certainly of the mortal variety. I did nothing illegal whatsoever, but what the lads were doing was actually against the law. They were excluding me, a third owner, but far more importantly, a director, from their dealings. Maybe the brownies got a hold of both BS and Sean and gave them both sufficient doses of amnesia potion to forget that it was BS who had resigned, not I.

We all know that the letter they sent me amounted to nothing more than a ‘shot across the bow’. These guys didn’t deserve something as nice as that, they deserved a torpedo up their holes. Not one that would simply enter the anal orifice and then make a quick exit through the skull, one that would enter the anus and explode midway through the body. Around the solar plexus region would be perfect, thanks.

If I had a Saul Goodman type of lawyer, I am sure he could take the lads to the cleaners (if he could manage to locate BS, imagine the GPS he would need for that). No doubt he could argue that there are strong grounds for minority oppression here? And that I would have a strong case against the lads under Section 205 of the Companies Act, or something like that? Saul, if you are reading, gimme a call please. Good man, Goodman.

I must admit however, that when I heard about this deal, I did hear the following sound playing somewhere in a teeny weeny area of the deepest recesses of my dark mind. Click play below to hear what I heard:

Buy Me Out Oh Baby Buy Me Out

Having no intention of signing the option agreement (I didn’t anyway) and now equipped with this new piece of information in my back pocket, I decided I would make the lads sweat a bit, while I concocted a plan for my next move. One thing was for sure, they needed me gone.

The longer I waited, the more desperate they got. I started getting bombarded with emails asking when I was going to return the signed agreement, which I duly ignored. In fact, I went to ground completely.

During this period of radio silence, I hadn’t a bull’s notion what to do. So I decided I needed advice. But not legal advice. Business advice. I needed some sound business advice from a savvy businessman (or woman). But not a businessman I went to college with, I needed advice from someone who had been around the block. An aul fella.

On recommendation from a close friend, I met with a wealthy businessman in south Dublin. This man was old school. He had a very grand, old fashioned office with no computer on his large mahogany desk. He wore a rope stripe (not a pin stripe – there is a difference) suit, with a bright red hanky hanging superfluously from his left breast pocket. His hair was slicked back and greasy.

charcoal-grey-pinstripe-business-suit-39938-1-1
Pin Stripe – Understated, Modest, Inconspicuous
Luca-Rubinacci-pin-stripe-suit-red-tie-wrist-style
Rope Stripe – Loud, In Your Face, Obnoxious

He exuded an aura of ‘you don’t want to mess with me or I’ll sue your fucking ass before you can blink’ tinged with an air of ‘I am so filthy rich I could buy your house with my loose change’. This man meant business. There was no time for fucking about or messing. He wasn’t the kind of guy who did pleasantries so I didn’t dare mention the fine weather. I felt compelled to listen to this man in a similar way to how Fredo Corleone would have listened to Vito. For the purpose of this blog, I am going to refer to this man as Vito.

114385__marlon-brando-godfather-godfather-don-vito-corleone-style-classic-movie_p
Vito Corleone AKA The Man I Met

Vito didn’t talk much. He simply asked me to tell my story. I explained it as best I could, although there was a slight tremor in my voice while doing so. I wasn’t used to dealing with men like this. When I got to the end of the story, Vito replied with six words, and pretty much nothing else. These words were as follows:

(1) Tell (2) Them (3) To (4) Buy (5) You (6) Out.

Note the word ‘tell’. I don’t think the word ‘ask’ actually featured in this man’s vocabulary.

After a deep gulp, a face that would have suggested ‘is that it?’, followed by a nervous smile, I shuffled backwards towards the mahogany office door, never once turning my back on the man (as if he were the queen). He looked at me with an impassive, blank face until I reached the door, without blinking an eyelid or moving a muscle in his leather chair. He then gave me a brief, but confidence-inspiring nod, to which I replied with the words “thanks a million, I really appreciate this”. I then mustered up the strength to open the door (it felt like it was made of lead) with one hand, made a half-hearted attempt at a nervous wave goodbye with the other, and exited the room.

Equipped with these 6 words of supreme wisdom, I left Vito’s stately office premises and headed back to my car. I was going to TELL my colleagues in OnlineGrinds.ie, not ask them, to buy me out. I didn’t have a spring in my step, I had a fucking trampoline.


Next Chapter – Chapter 17: This Means War, Ignore The War

Chapter 14: Let’s Get Dirty

Just when I thought BS had finished giving birth to a miniature BS, and his labour pains had subsided, he decided to let out another scream of pain. My initial reaction was that he was possibly having twins, and the second mini BS was about to pop. God, could you imagine a world with 3 BS’s. It really doesn’t bear thinking about, so I will shut up about that for now.

His second attack was far more powerful than his first. This time he had a full round of ammo in his weapon AKA his email account. Email was without a shadow of a doubt the weapon of choice for BS. He was very gifted and skilled in this form of weaponry. His email was like a semi-automatic firearm more so than a pistol, in that he wouldn’t simply fire one shot at a time; it would usually be a succession of shots, in very close proximity and at great speed. But when I say semi-automatic, I don’t mean an M16 or anything modern like that (contemporariness didn’t usually feature anywhere in his being), it was more like a vintage rifle such as the M1 Garand.

Garand
The M1 Garand

I am pretty sure that if BS had been in the hunger games and managed to get his hands on a laptop in the arena (with a pre-installed version of MS Outlook on it), not even Katniss would have been safe.

So, on 31st August 2013, after a momentary lapse in correspondence from BS (which simply turned out to be an ammunition reloading period), round two of shots were fired. Below are some of the bullets.

Have a guess what he talks about in the first shot? You guessed right! Learnology!

Still very concerned 1

In this shot, he gives me an ultimatum:

Still very concerned 2

If you have read the previous chapter, you will know that a business plan was circulated to Sean. If you have read chapter 9, you will be aware that BS had no right to see the plan, as he had already resigned as a dickhead, I mean, director (sorry I keep making this Freudian slip). It looks as if the brownies had obviously poisoned BS again which resulted in a relapse of amnesia.

In this final shot he gives me a warning. A warning shot if you like:

Still very concerned 3

Needless to say I stood my ground here and continued to advise BS that Learnology was not a competitive threat to OnlineGrinds.ie and that he had every opportunity to be part of it originally, but chose to turn down the opportunity. I also advised that his shooting down my ideas on how to further OnlineGrinds.ie on the basis of my starting Learnology was in effect preventing the course of progression of OnlineGrinds.ie.

Another Love Letter, this time from Everyone Shites

That weekend I decided to fuck off to Spain for a few days to lie on the beach, swim in the sea and spot some local talent. You might think that going away to Spain would free me of the BS of BS for a few days. But no, in Spain I still got bombarded with his eloquent emails, all relating to Learnology. In one of his emails, he decided to call an EGM (more amnesia, says you). I replied by saying that I would be delighted to attend the EGM, but if the subject of Learnology was brought up at the meeting, I would stand up from the table and walk straight out the door, allowing the team to pay for their own tea or coffee, as well as mine. In an effort to enjoy my few days away, rather than be tormented by BS, I chose to ignore the onslaught of emails that followed.

As the Ryanair flight was taxi-ing its way back to the terminal building on my arrival back to Dublin, I switched my phone on to check emails. One of the emails was from a large legal firm called Everyone Shites. Below is the gem of a letter that was attached to said email (click to enlarge):

ES1PART1
Part 1 of letter from Everyone Shites
ES1PART2
Part 2 of letter from Everyone Shites

When I received the Everyone Shites letter, I felt confused, frustrated and conflicted. I hadn’t a notion what to do. The feeling of indecision made me extremely vulnerable. I was weak. I needed help deciding my next move. But who was going to advise me on the options that lay ahead? There were just so many of them. If I chose the wrong one, I could regret it forevermore.

Each of the 10 or so options available to me had their fair share of both pros and cons. This didn’t make the decision any easier. I needed to evaluate all alternatives and create a shortlist of the 5 most suitable ones. The resulting frontrunners were as follows:

Would I?

(a)   Place the letter beside the toilet and leave it there for a rainy day when I ran out of toilet paper

(b)   Fold the letter and use it to prop up a leg of my kitchen table – I HATE wonky tables!

(c)    Try to disprove the theory that you can only fold something a maximum of 7 times

(d)   Crunch up the letter and use it as a ball which would provide endless hours of fun and entertainment for my dog

(e)   Create a paper airplane with the letter which I could throw down the garden for my dog to chase. Would it come back to me? Could I create the first boomerang paper airplane in the history of time and mankind?

After an extended period of painstaking vacillation, I came to the conclusion that the potential of option (e) was so vast that I could not but choose it. In hindsight I made the right decision. Both my dog and I had immeasurable fun that day.

Am I Bovered?

In all seriousness though, did I need to care about this letter? Not at all. You may have noticed that the letter was signed ‘Everyone Shites’ as opposed to an individual lawyer’s name. I later found out (I am very resourceful) that the letter was written by a lawyer in Everyone Shites who specialised in company law, not litigation. Company lawyers and litigators are two different breeds entirely. This letter should have come from a litigator. Something just didn’t tally. It was a bit like a medical doctor treating a dog. He would know a bit about general animal anatomy from having worked with humans (as our guy would know a bit about general law), but it certainly wouldn’t have been standard practice for him.

The gentleman who wrote this letter was probably the kind of man who would have been educated in Clongowes Wood College and wouldn’t have finally moved out of the family home until the age of 36, at the very least. He was most likely the type of guy who would wear tartan trousers on the golf course at the weekend, and would only have a glass of Guinness in the bar after the game, as he was driving. His first car was most probably a VW Golf. Going for after-work pints on a Thursday would have constituted living dangerously for this man. He probably lived in a comfortable, but by no means pretentious, negative-equity-submerged apartment in either Smithfield or the IFSC, with his girlfriend Jenny (who was training to be a GP), and their bichon frise Lola (who was groomed every other day). In other words, this was a nice, understated chap who worked as an ordinary, decent, company lawyer. Not by any manner or means was he a blood-thirsty, man-eating, Saul Goodman-esque kind of litigator.

There is a big difference between nice company lawyers and evil, fire-breathing litigators. Different kettle of fish altogether. Daniel O’Donnell or Francis Brennan would make perfect company lawyers. Mike Tyson or Jason Statham would make amazing litigators.

PURPLECROPPEDDOD
Daniel O’Donnell – The Company Lawyer type
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Francis Brennan – Another Typical Company Lawyer kind of guy
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Mike Tyson – The Litigator Type
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Jason Statham – Another Typical Litigator

So, realising that the gentleman who had written the letter was from the Daniel O’Donnell School of Law, as opposed to the Law School of Saul Goodman, I didn’t have much to worry about. He was probably a friend of Sean’s and this was the only reason why he was momentarily dipping his (little) toe into the dark world of litigation. In fact, if you read his letter closely, you can get the feeling that he is completely outside of his comfort zone. For example, he keeps repeating the words “to the extent”. Surely he wasn’t repeating himself so much on purpose, and it obviously represented a nervous twitch in his writing? The man was clearly shaking at the time. But would you blame him?

The long and the short of it was that this letter amounted to nothing more than an idle threat. A threat which they thought would result in my ‘allowing them in’ to Learnology. I felt like the bouncer of a night club, and this letter was like a very poorly manufactured fake ID.

I guess you would think that I would be shocked to receive a letter like this. You might ask yourself how these fuckers could do such a thing, considering I had given them every opportunity to be involved in Learnology, and they had turned down my offer. And especially when BS had clearly indicated that his time was up, making it physically impossible to set up the traditional grind school under the umbrella of Stenson Institute Ltd. t/a OnlineGrinds.ie. If this is how you are feeling, I won’t stop you from feeling this way. However, please be aware that I am not imposing this feeling upon you, you are feeling it yourself.

Subtext of Letter

If you have a pair of eyes in your head that function normally, you will easily see that the subtext of this letter was “Okay, I know we said before that we didn’t want to be involved, but we now think that this could be a success, so please let us be involved and we promise we won’t sue you!”

As Sean wasn’t getting involved in the same dirty tactics as BS, I wrote him an email to see what his take on the whole situation was. Sean was always very neutral and indeed didn’t dismiss the possibility of even investing in Learnology. In actual fact, Sean agreed to carry out a Skype call with PWD of Learnology and I at one point to see how the venture was going, (with a view to potentially investing down the road).

Sean replied to my email asking me to meet him for a coffee. What he said to me at the meeting was consistent with what I believed to be the subtext of the letter. It was along the lines of, “you can proceed with Learnology in an unencumbered fashion, with no threat of legal action, as long as you let us be part of it”.

To be brutally honest, I got on very well with Sean and I was never against the idea of having him on board the team in Learnology. So, I arranged a meeting with Sean and the partners of Learnology to see if some sort of arrangement could be arrived at.

At the meeting, Sean reiterated that Learnology could proceed, with no threat of legal action, if he and the OnlineGrinds.ie team could be involved. He mentioned that he was aware of the communication issues I was having with BS, and advised that BS would be a silent partner in this new arrangement.

As you can imagine, I wasn’t entirely happy with the idea of having BS involved in Learnology, silent, loud or otherwise. I would have preferred to chew ultra-thin glass, walk across white hot-coals barefoot and have rusted barbed-wire shoved into my eyeballs than have him in the company. However, if I rarely saw him in OnlineGrinds.ie (where he was supposed to be hands-on, as opposed to silent) there was no way I would even get a glimpse of him in Learnology. If he spent all his time in San Francisco and Mexico up until now, you could be sure he would be in Jupiter or Mars from now on. All the same, I still wasn’t mad about the idea that he would receive dividends from the success of Learnology, for doing sweet fuck all. Regardless of how I felt however, there were three partners in the Learnology team. If PWD and MBB agreed to let Sean & Co. in, who was I to stop them.

Towards the end of the meeting, the partners in Learnology posed one question to Sean. It was along the lines of “So, what do you think of Learnology?” All Sean could reply with was “The website looks good”. He had no notion of the business other than the fact that the website looked ‘pretty’. Needless to say, the partners of Learnology felt that Sean’s motivation was misplaced, and that all he wanted was a return on the money he had put into OnlineGrinds.ie (which ended up in the Ballymun bonfire). As a result, bringing Sean & Co. on board was regrettably not a runner.


Next Chapter – Chapter 15: I Accept, We Don’t and The Stool Pigeon

Chapter 13: BS gets mad jeal of my new biz

BS found out about Learnology through the old reliable grapevine that is Facebook. I didn’t mind him knowing about it though. I wasn’t hiding it at all. He was (note the use of the past tense) a Facebook friend of mine, and I would share Learnology stuff on my page all the time, usually annoying the fuck out of my Facebook friends in the process. So, why didn’t I care if he knew about it? Because I had clearly asked him and Sean to be involved, and they turned it down.

However, as soon as BS saw the awesome, state of the art website that PWD had developed for Learnology, the line-up of teachers we had put together, the pictures of all the students in the classroom on our launch day etc. etc., he threw the biggest hissy fit ever known to humankind.

I received a barrage of emails and a torrent of abuse asking what the situation was. He claimed that I was ‘going off’ with the developer of another online grinds website and had set up a business that was in direct competition with OnlineGrinds.ie.

Here is one of the beautifully worded and stunningly formatted emails that BS sent me in relation to my starting Learnology (click to enlarge):

SERIOUS 1

Learnology was no more in competition with OnlineGrinds.ie than Crayola chalk was in competition with Kilmeaden cheese. Indeed, according to the shareholder’s agreement to which he refers, the definition of the business of OnlineGrinds.ie was as follows:

def of bus

As you can see, the definition of the business of OnlineGrinds.ie is as precise and to the point as can be. It doesn’t even mention the word grinds or grind schools. It relates solely to online tuition and broadcasting platforms. Quick question: Had I set up another business providing online tuition that had broadcasting platforms? I think not. I had set up a grinds school with no online or broadcasting elements whatsoever.

Incidentally, as stated in an earlier chapter, a business plan entitled ‘Proposal for Survival’ was sent to Sean on Wednesday 3rd July 2013. I guess BS was simply suffering from partial amnesia the day he sent that email, and the memory of him resigning as director of the company (which would result in him no longer having any say in the running of the company) had simply slipped his mind? Maybe our dwarves were plagued by a clan of brownies like in the movie Willow. Didn’t these brownies have some form of potion that could make you forget stuff? Yes, maybe somehow the brownies had come into contact with BS and had managed to put some amnesia potion into his earl grey tea. That MUST be the reason. It’s the most plausible reason I can think of, anyway.

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The Brownies from Willow who carried a special amnesia potion

Just so you are sure it was BS who was given the amnesia potion, and not I, below is a screenshot of the email I sent Sean with the ‘Proposal for Survival’ Business Plan attached:

prop for surv

So what was up with BS? Why did he appear to be in extreme agony? Was he giving birth to a miniature BS? Were the Brownies attacking him with their teeny weeny spears? What ailed him, at all at all? My guess is that he was now beginning to regret not having listened to me about the traditional grind school idea, now that he could see that Learnology was going to be a success.

Going a layer deeper still, maybe he was really pissed off with himself for having stated that he was no longer willing to do any work in the company, making it impossible for us to set up Learnology under the auspices of OnlineGrinds.ie, in any case.

Whatever way you look at it, one thing’s for sure, BS was extremely, exceptionally, extraordinarily, exceedingly JEALOUS. On the count of three, everybody say awwwwww 1………. 2……….3 (click below):

At this point I want to reiterate one thing very clearly, and for emphasis I will make it bold, CAPITALISED, AND THIS TIME IN AN FABULOUS SHADE OF MAROON:

I HAD INTENDED TO CONTINUE WORKING ON ONLINEGRINDS.IE (AS WELL AS LEARNOLOGY.IE) AND WAS INTENT ON MAKING THE TWO COMPANIES SUCCESSFUL

Just because I was working away on Learnology.ie, this didn’t mean that I had left OnlineGrinds.ie behind. In fact, I was still intent on pursuing the next available option. Option B (the broadband provider deal) didn’t work out, Option D (the traditional grinds school idea) was turned down (but I proceeded in any case with a new team), but there was still one option remaining; Option B (the freemium model of online grinds).

It would work a bit like Spotify where the grinds would be free to all and made possible by advertising. Free grinds would work better because (a) parents wouldn’t pay for online grinds in the first place, and (b) the inevitable tech issues would be tolerated as the service is free. My biggest concern, which I made abundantly clear to my partners, was that we did not have the technical capability of developing such a site. BS would not be able to do something like this. It would be like an ant trying to climb Mount Everest (SL).

spotify
The various payment models of Spotify
our inter
How we would model ourselves on Spotify

I sent a proposal to the whole team this time (yes I guess I was feeling sorry for BS that day), but raised a serious concern that we didn’t have the technical capability to do something like this (which we hadn’t). A developer who specialised in websites of the vintage movement, fashionable and all as they may be, would not be able to come up with something like this.

The first person to reply to my proposal was BS. Here is his exact email:

where does learnology sit in

The only acknowledgement of my new idea was that ‘technology wouldn’t be the issue’. There was no discussion apart from this. The focus of his email shifted firmly back to my association with Learnology.ie. This email amazed me to the point that I fell off my chair (again). I think ‘dumbfounded’ would be the most apt word to describe how I felt on receipt of this email. But why was I so gob smacked? Was it because his email was all about Learnology, Learnology, Learnology and because almost no attention had been given to the freemium idea? Meh.

The aspect of the email that I found much much much much much much more shocking (in a tremendously good, and most surprising way), was that BS had actually managed to write an email that contained only 2 lines. This was unprecedented. He had clearly beaten his personal best for the shortest email ever written in all time. What a feat. I was willing to buy this man a pint. This was an achievement worthy of celebration.

Realising however, that this email was very out of character, an aberration as it were, BS sent a second email a few minutes later. I can’t include his entire email here however, as I don’t think WordPress would have enough space on their server to include it all, but here is the general gist:

no to free

Yeah, I hear what you are saying, focus shifted back to Learnology again. As you can see, it got to the point that no matter what ideas I came up with to grow OnlineGrinds.ie, they were all shot down on the basis of my involvement with Learnology. Of course I have my suspicions that this may have been an attempt to cover up the fact that he would not be able to develop the freemium site. In any case, whether he had the wherewithal to develop the site or not is secondary, as he had already stated that he wasn’t going to do any more work for the company.

So, getting ever so slightly annoyed with BS now, I sent him an email saying that he needed to forget about my involvement with Learnology and that it was quite literally none of his business. I told him that we can’t let Learnology distract us from progressing OnlineGrinds.ie. Below is his response:

no work will be done

So, he had now confirmed a second time, that he was no longer going to carry out any ‘non critical work’. Note that he neglected to define exactly what non critical work was. As far as I was concerned, all his work was critical. He was the tech partner in a tech company, for fuck sake.

It now got to the point where BS was actually preventing me from furthering OnlineGrinds.ie. He had said he was no longer going to do any work, and whenever I came up with any new ideas for how we could get OnlineGrinds.ie out of the shit pit it was in, and into profitability, he would ignore these and perpetually focus on my involvement with Learnology. Needless to say we got nowhere with my idea of a freemium online grinds website. 3 options tried, 3 options failed.

Oh and guess what, in January 2014, an e-learning company called Alison entered the leaving cert grinds market with free online grinds, made possible by advertising. My freemium model idea was proposed back in the summer of 2013. Again, while I am not trying to blow my own trumpet, trombone or french horn, this was the second time that BS made the mistake of not listening to me.


Next Chapter – Chapter 14: Let’s Get Dirty

Chapter 12: Learnology – Say Goodbye to EGGS

Learnology was going to be the first grind school in Ireland to provide grinds at only €10 per class. But just because we were low cost, this did not mean that we would take short cuts in respect of teacher quality. In fact, Learnology was going to bring some of the best teachers and finest book authors in the country to exam students. Not only to Chloe and Greg from the leafy suburbs of D4, but also to Stacey and Jason from crime-filled Coolock. When I say low cost, in actual fact it’s not really low cost at all. It’s normal cost. There is no reason for Expensive Greedy Grinds School (EGGS) to charge any more than €10-15 per student, per class. Well……there is……GREED.

Take a well-known EGGS on Dublin’s Leeson Street. I won’t mention the name for fear of receiving another letter of love and affection from Arthur’s Cock. In fact…… fuck it…… one of my objectives of this blog was to see how many SL’s I could get, and I’m a man who stands by my word, so here goes: THE INSTITUTE OF EDUCATION AKA THE INSTITUTE AKA LEESON STREET AKA GREEDY BASTARDS (SL).

The IOE runs weekly grinds for secondary students who need extra help (and who obviously have cash to burn – must be related to the dwarves) on evenings and weekends. It charges its students approximately €35 per class. If you consider that there could be 60 innocent students sitting in (squashed into) a class, the IOE are pulling in €2,100 for EVERY SINGLE CLASS they do. Let’s assume they run 15 grind classes a week, that’s a whopping €31,500 A WEEK. And this is not their main business; this is simply the evening and weekend grinds I am referring to.

It is common knowledge that the IOE own their premises on Leeson Street. They have no rent to pay like other EGGS who have to pay hotels substantial rental fees for conference rooms to hold their classes. The main cost of running a class for the IOE is the teacher. Let’s assume, and let’s be generous, that they are paying their teachers €300 per class. This leaves them with €1,800 to play with. I realise of course that there will be overheads and tax to pay etc., but once these are deducted, you can be pretty sure that the IOE are making a healthy 4 figure profit on each class they run.

What do they do with all this money? Your guess is as good as mine. But I often have visions of the owners sitting in the basement of the building on Leeson Street, masturbating at the sight of the mounds of cash that surround them in whatever direction they look. Ben Dunne once said that Seanie Fitz was “addicted to money”, in my opinion the IOE have a fetish for cash. My premonition of the email from UPC came true, for all we know this could be true too.

Playing with money
One of the owners of the IOE playing in their basement. This is a mild form of playing.
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A corner of the basement in the IOE

Considering that our school system in Ireland is so desperately shite that up to 73% of exam students need to do grinds (Student Enrichment Services Survey, 2010), the kind of rip-off strategy currently practiced by the IOE pisses me off no end.

My vision for Learnology was that we were going to charge a maximum of €10 per student to attend a class in our grind school. My strategy was that we would start off small in one centre in Dublin, and in 2 years from the date of inception, we would have centres in all the major cities (Learnology Regional) and towns (Learnology Local) across Ireland. We would start off with a universal charge of €10 per student, per class, and as we expanded across Ireland we would gradually reduce this to €5 per class, and still make a (moderate but by no means greedy) profit due to increase in volume. Learnology would be a national brand that would blow all the EGGS out of the water. Never again would a student, who had to do Irish or Maths grinds through no fault of their own, but as a result of a shite teacher in their own school, be ripped off by an EGGS.

Venue

Rather than locating somewhere in the Range Rover Vogue territory of south county Dublin, we needed to strategically locate ourselves in a venue convenient to all parties. Learnology was going to be accessible as much in terms of location as in terms of price. Having researched a number of venues, the one that seemed most suitable was the Alexander Hotel at Merrion Square. It was a short distance from the DART so that Greg could get to us from Dalkey, and Stacey could come to us from Harmonstown. It was a couple of minute’s walk from the Luas Green Line so Chloe could access us from Milltown, and just across the Liffey from the Luas Red Line so Jason could reach us from Fettercairn. We would also be served by the 46A bus which would bring Rory from Donnyrbook and Micko from Phibsboro.

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Graphic from our website giving directions to Learnology at the Alexander Hotel from Leeson Street.

The room rental fees the hotel was charging were not cheap, but we managed to negotiate a deal. Under no circumstances were we going to increase student’s fees because of expensive conference room rates.

About a week before our official launch, the Alexander Hotel decided to fuck us over. I won’t go into detail here, but it essentially meant that we really didn’t want to locate there anymore. We decided to continue shopping around and contacted several colleges such as the American College Dublin (ACD) on Merrion Square (where I had been lecturing part time), DIT Kevin Street, DIT Aungier Street and finally, DBS on Aungier Street. ACD didn’t work out as I would have inevitably ended up strangling the lady we were dealing with, neither Kevin Street nor Aungier Street were suitable, as the classrooms weren’t good enough to put a pack of dogs into them, but at DBS, we struck it lucky.

We met with a gentleman in DBS called Tony. He resembled a security guard more than a business man, but who was I to judge, as I would have been wearing my usual mix of shorts and t-shirt that day (it was August). He showed us the best classrooms he had, and was willing to drop the price to whatever we said we were willing to pay. I have never done a sweeter or easier deal in my life. Shooting a sitting duck would have been a far greater achievement than doing a deal with security guard Tony. In fact, I was nearly going to ask him to put on my pink lycra tutu to greet students when they arrived on day one, which I am sure he would have done without any hesitation whatsoever. Such were the lengths to which he seemed willing to go to get our deal across the line.

DBS were looking for ways to generate extra revenue in periods of down time, and this seemed to be a perfect option for them.

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The Learnology classroom at DBS

Teachers

During the summer of 2013, anyone who was anyone in the teaching world would have been contacted, if not hounded, by yours truly. Anyone who had written a textbook, who had outstanding ratings on ratemyteacher.ie, who had taught previously in EGGS, was targeted. Noone in the ranks of Ireland’s teaching elite was safe.

Having met and interviewed a long list of teachers, PWD and I arrived at our final line-up of teachers. Below is an image of our teachers, in addition to a short bio on each of them:

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Far left: John Morris, HL Business – 25 years teaching experience. Blackrock College teacher. Former IOE teacher. Contributor to RTE’s “Countdown”.

Second from left: Dervla Murphy, HL French – 7 years teaching in Loreto Beaufort. Lived and worked in Paris for 5 years. Master’s Degree from Sorbonne University. Author of one of the most popular Leaving Cert French textbooks, ‘Tout Va Bien’.

Third from left: Peter Jackson, HL Chemistry & Biology – Head of Science at St. Columba’s College. Former IOE teacher. Over 30 years teaching experience. Corrected Biology papers and appeal papers for the SEC for over 25 years. Author of ‘Essentials Unfolded – Chemistry’. Has written Biology revision notes for mocks.ie. Teaches other teachers how to teach Chemistry in PDST.

Centre: Brendan Guildea, HL Maths – One of Ireland’s Top Maths Teachers. Has written both ‘New Concise Project Maths’ and the new ‘Less Stress More Success’ revision books for Project Maths. Taught maths, applied maths, and physics to both Leaving and Junior Cert students since 1973. Corrected Maths papers for the Dept of Education and various Universities. Appears regularly in the media leading discussions on maths teaching, exams and syllabus.

Third from right: Declan O’Neill, HL English – Examiner at both Junior and Leaving Cert Higher Level English. Chief Advising Examiner in Higher Level English at Leaving Cert Level. Has written and set state exam papers. Education Officer for the NCCA.

Second from right: Richard Barrett, HL Irish – Head of Irish Department in Blackrock College. He is a state examiner in both written and oral Irish.

Far right: Noel Cunningham, HL Physics – 20 years teaching experience. Teacher in Kings Hospital. Owns website http://www.thephysicsteacher.ie. Over 1 million hits on his YouTube videos. Corrects Leaving Certificate Physics Exam Papers. Awarded the Institute of Physics Teacher of the Year award in 2009. One of his students achieved the top mark in the country in Applied Maths in 2010.

RIP Joe Reville

Up until approximately one week before our official launch, the Biology teacher at Learnology was going to be Mr Joe Reville. However, one morning a few days before our launch I received a phone call to say that Joe had sadly passed away. Of all the setbacks we could possibly anticipate, this was never one of them. As I mentioned in a previous chapter, Joe was an absolute gent and a legend when it came to Science.

As you can see from the above, our show had a pretty stellar cast. And now, for once this calibre of teacher was going to be accessible to students of all socio-economic backgrounds.

Pricing

Having originally intended that we would charge €10 per student, per class, MBB managed to pull my arm and convince me that is was still ok to charge €15. After a bit of a scrap, we agreed on the price point of €15. Even at that it was still 60% better value than some of the EGGS.

Below is one of the flyers we sent to homes around Dublin which included our price comparison graphic. Said graphic featured extensively in our marketing campaigns:

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One of our flyers which included our aggressive price comparison table

iNotes

As PWD was a wizard, who had worked in the area of eLearning for quite some time, he came up with the idea to make our class notes interactive. All other EGGS would provide boring, printed A4 notes, but we would be the first grind school to provide notes in a format that could be accessed on a tablet or smartphone. Elements of the notes would be animated, videos could be integrated, the answers to questions could be hidden and then revealed at a click etc.

Marketing

When it came to marketing and advertising, we usually used our price point as a weapon. We launched a full blown attack on EGGS, nearly to the point that we actually threw eggs at the EGGS. For example, one evening when an EGGS in south Dublin was running a free grinds evening, I sent our mascot, a cheeky monkey called Learnology Louis, down to stand outside the school and wave at students as they walked in. Below is a picture of Learnology Louis with his lovely t-shirt, taken right outside the EGGS by another one of our team on the evening of the free grinds:

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Learnology Louis, our cheeky monkey, waving at students as they walked into a free session at an EGGS
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The Co-Founder of the EGGS, trying to block Learnology Louis from students as they walked into their grinds

When the directors of this EGGS saw Louis coming, they rang me and started screaming down the phone. They even threatened to call the Gardai to get our poor little monkey removed. The problem was that the monkey was under strict instructions from me to stand OUTSIDE the hotel on the footpath and not to set foot on the grounds of the hotel itself. However, when the taxi driver was dropping the monkey to the hotel, he naturally dropped him at the hotel drop off point, which is technically on the hotel grounds. That’s where Learnology Louis was spotted.

The abuse that the monkey endured from the owners of the EGGS was traumatising. So much so that the he had to ring me and ask me what to do. When I received his phone call I was furious. I think I actually threw my Café Sol paper cup, half-full with extra strong, hot coffee, against the wall in anger.

The monkey had called me. Did this mean that he had removed his mask to make the call? If so, this would have been disastrous, the element of theatricality would have been completely ruined. But alas, he informed me that he was still wearing the mask and was speaking through the slit in the monkey’s mouth. Phew. Panic averted. What a relief.

The feeling of concern I experienced in relation to the lads from the EGGS abusing the monkey, and threatening to call the Gardaí, was about as significant as the feeling I experienced when BS told me he was resigning. In other words, non-existent. My only actual concern was that the monkey had taken off his fucking mask. That would have ruined my day and made me a very unhappy bunny indeed. So the general gist of my reply to Louis was “whatever you do, under no circumstances do you take off that fucking mask…… and don’t stop waving at the kids”.

The event was so profound that I actually ended up making a little video about it. In the video you can see footage of what actually happened that day.

Incidentally, the gentleman in the white shirt is actually a director of the EGGS in question, not an actor as most people think.

The Big Launch

Learnology launched officially in DBS on Saturday 7th September 2013. With some classes reaching up to 100 students, we were very happy with the turnout. The idea I had back in May, a mere 4 months prior, that I wanted my partners in OnlineGrinds.ie to create with me, which they declined, was now becoming a reality. From what I could see, this idea looked like it was going to work. And guess what? It would all happen without Sean and BS.

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Some students waiting for their class to begin on the first day of Learnology
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Yours truly, minus Sean and BS, on the morning of the launch of Learnology.

Next Chapter – Chapter 13: BS gets mad jeal of my new biz