Give Me The Assets or You’re Fucking Dead

The assets of the business were both tangible and intangible. The tangible assets included computer, camera, sound and lighting equipment (pretty much anything needed to broadcast live grinds). The intangible assets consisted mostly of login details and passwords for various social media and email accounts. I was not going to part with either.

When the dwarves fucked our final barrel of cash into the bonfire, we were no longer able to pay our office and studio rent, so we (I) had to move out. Thank you again to my friend Barry (who had nothing to do with OnlineGrinds.ie) for helping me move the stuff.

In the absence of somewhere more suitable to keep all the equipment, I kept it in my home in Ballsbridge. This was a very privileged location for the equipment, as there was a Doberman guarding it 24/7.

600336_10151649244406496_528996267_n
The Doberman I commissioned to guard the OnlineGrinds.ie assets. Here he is protecting the perspex sign that once hung on the office wall.

Sean was under pressure to get the assets to BS before he returned back to the UK. He had come over especially for the EGM, and was leaving a day or two later. After several attempts to ring me to arrange a pick up point and time (which I regretfully wasn’t able to answer as I was too busy perming my hair), he ended up calling out to my home one evening unannounced. When he didn’t find me there (I think I was at my flower arranging class), he left a note under my door saying that he would call back later.

In many ways I felt sorry for Sean. He had to do all the dirty work. BS would never have called around to me to get the assets. He wouldn’t have been able to face me. He is probably right though. I don’t think I would have been able to resist the urge to wrap a concrete block around his Florida white smile, if he ever did.

As it happened, I was moving out of my place in Wellington Place at the time in search of greener pastures with larger running space for my pooch. The assets, both tangible and intangible, came with me.

As I was leaving work one day, I received a phone call from a mobile number. Unlike blocked numbers, I tend to answer unknown numbers, particularly mobile numbers. I have a very strict policy with blocked numbers; if you don’t want to identify yourself, I don’t want to answer. Anyway, on the other end was a gentleman by the name of Larry O’Driscoll (LOD). A transcript of the conversation can be found below. If would prefer to hear me act it out, click below:

 

Paul: Hello

LOD: Hello is that Paul Stenson

Paul: It sure is! Who is this?

LOD: My name is Larry O’Driscoll. I believe you have some assets belonging to Moreland Investments Ltd.?

Paul: What company are you calling from? You are ringing me from a mobile phone, you know that?

LOD: As I said my name is Larry O’Driscoll. I collect business assets on behalf of my clients.

Paul: Well I am sorry but the assets I have belong to my company, not Moreland Investments. I am still dealing with Sean K*****y in relation to this.

LOD: What is the nature of your dealings with Sean K*****y?

Paul: Take care mate.

Asking me what was the nature of my dealings with Sean? Is he for real? I would have actually kept speaking to this man, but getting personal like that? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Needless to say I wrote Sean an email warning him about this dude. See below:

Beware
Email I sent Sean warning him about dodgy Larry

As I had moved out of my house, I guess I had escaped from LOD. I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that he probably called around to my ex-home to try to physically strip me of the assets, using extreme force. I’d say he would have been armed with either a crowbar or a baseball bat. Something blunt. A sharp object wouldn’t have been his style. That would have been far too easy. LOD needed a challenge when he was faced with the task of beating the shit out of me.

LOD seemed like the roughest of the rough. I’d say he was associated with Martin Cahill in some way. Certainly from the same school, probably from the same family. I must say I write about him with a large degree of trepidation. You’d think I might be scared about posting love letters from Arthur’s Cock and Everyone Shites? Not a chance. But writing about LOD in my blog; a whole different story altogether. In fact, there are droplets of wee wee coming out of my willy intermittently as I write this section.

I am firmly of the opinion that LOD will try to murder me when he reads this. If you are reading this LOD, please be advised that I have a three year old Doberman who is currently undergoing both defence AND attack training. In addition (and far more impressive in my mind), I hold a Purple belt in Kenpo Karate. Approach me at your peril, with extreme caution.

The Hackers Attack

One morning after I woke up from a nightmare in which I was being kneecapped by LOD, I was eating my breakfast whilst creeping on somebody’s pics on Facebook (as you do). What I saw in my news feed made me nearly choke on the piece of wholemeal toast I was masticating. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Take a look:

karla
A Facebook post introducing one of OnlineGrinds.ie’s new teachers
photo (22)
The new OnlineGrinds.ie Facebook cover photo and a post with their complaints policy

It looked like my ex partners had completely changed their approach to delivering grinds. They had introduced topless teachers.

I admit, this was not something I had thought of when I was coming up with ideas for the company. So I thought “fair fucks to them, they may have a chance now”. Even if BS was still at the helm, this kind of semen change……I mean……sea change, would certainly ensure that their business would improve, if not thrive, forevermore. However, when I went over to the actual website to see the new line up of big boobed beauties in action, they were nowhere to be seen. The staff-room was still full of boring, non-descript, lacklustre, glasses-wearing, check shirt sporting, teachers from Ashfield College. No tits. No cocks. No action. No point.

It turned out that someone had hacked into the Facebook account and was bringing the expression ‘taking the piss’ to a whole new level. I wanted to make passionate love to this person, let alone shake their hand. To this day I don’t know who the hacker is. If you are reading this, hacker, please make yourself known to me. I would like to buy you an abundance of pints.

Some time later, I was on the OnlineGrinds.ie website to see how out of date it was. When I say out of date, I am not referring to the general design of the site; we all know that BS was going for the vintage look here (which he pulled off very well). I am talking about the site content itself. I was curious to see whether BS was spending any more time on the project now than he did when I was there. Unfortunately I didn’t manage to find any evidence of this. Indeed, it doesn’t look like he has worked on OnlineGrinds.ie at all since Easter. If you look at the site today, the 6th of July 2014, you will still see the words ‘New’ and ‘Easter’ on the homepage. Brilliant first impression for first time visitors to OnlineGrinds.ie.

website today
Screenshot of website today

Anyway, while I was on the site, I took a trip down memory lane and clicked into the Student Ambassador Program (SAP) page. The SAP was a scheme I set up where students would receive cash for spreading the word about our company. As a Irish Indo journo once said, we were “injecting entrepreneurship into the secondary school system with this innovative scheme”.

We had a video embedded on the SAP page with yours truly explaining how the program worked. For reasons of nostalgia (as opposed to vanity), I clicked in to watched this video that we had recorded nearly 2 years prior. But when the video started playing, a strange empty box appeared in the centre of the screen. I hovered over the box and up popped a very strange, but extremely funny, message. Obviously the hacker had taken control of the YouTube account too. Take a look for yourselves (hover over the box in the centre of the screen – note: this only works on a desktop, you will not see the funny message on a smartphone):

The chances are that this video could have been live on the OnlineGrinds.ie site for weeks if not months, without anybody noticing it. It’s no longer there, however. So I guess a student probably noticed it in the end, in which case it was brought to the attention of BS (who was probably lounging in a hammock in Koh Samui at the time), and it was removed from the page 16 days later. BS wouldn’t have been sharp enough to see something like this himself.


Next Chapter – Breaking News

About the Author PaulVStenson

I am the manager of The White Moose Cafe and Charleville Lodge in Dublin, Ireland. I believe that you only live once. I believe that life should be enjoyed. I don't see the point in whinging and moaning. I see myself as someone who speaks the truth. The truth doesn't seem to suit everybody's agenda, so I am labelled with the term 'controversial'.

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